My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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