I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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