I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
