recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
