I wish my penis had an off switch
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
