yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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