just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
