The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
