Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
