3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
