i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
