I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
