Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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