Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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