I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
