this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
