just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
