I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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