When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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