coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
