just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
