A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
