I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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