I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
