I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I love you. Go after that dick
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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