I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize