you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
