I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
