I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
