Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
