I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
