My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
