Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
