My hand turned me down
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
