im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize