Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
