i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
