I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
