I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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