the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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