i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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