im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
