is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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