You smell like a Billy Joel song
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
