He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize