Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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