i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I AM VODKA MAN
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
