I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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