guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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