My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
