I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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