I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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