He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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