Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
