nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize