party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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