my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
