there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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